Scouting for Connection Pt. 1: The Reason Social Events Drain You Isn't What You Think

Introduction: The Hidden Reason Social Events Are So Draining

You know the feeling. An invitation to a networking event or a social mixer lands in your inbox, and your first reaction is a quiet dread. You go, you clutch a drink, you cycle through the same few questions, and you leave feeling more cognitively exhausted than energized. You might even feel a little lonely, despite having been in a room full of people.

These events are meant to foster connection, so why do they so often feel like a defensive performance? The problem isn't necessarily the event, the people, or even you. The problem is a cognitive default, a hidden mental state that takes over when we feel judged or uncertain. It’s a state that values protection over connection, and understanding it is the first step to turning these draining encounters into something real.

Four Mindset Shifts to Turn Awkward Encounters into Authentic Connections

By understanding how your brain defaults under social pressure, you can make a conscious shift from a state of defense to one of genuine curiosity. Here are four insights to help you make that change.

Your Brain Defaults to "Soldier Mode"

When you enter a room full of strangers, your brain often defaults to what cognitive scientists call the "Soldier Mindset." In this state, your unconscious goal is not to connect; it is to defend.

The Soldier's job is to protect its territory—your identity, status, and worldview—and to defeat any perceived threats, such as contradicting ideas, social rejection, or awkwardness.

To do this, the Soldier armors up. It relies on safe, predictable scripts like, "So, what do you do for work?" It presents a polished, invulnerable version of you to the world. You are performing safety rather than experiencing connection. The result is that you leave feeling empty, because no one met the real you. They only met your armor.

You're Not Listening to Understand—You're Listening to Survive

The Soldier Mindset is fueled by a powerful cognitive bias called "Motivated Reasoning," where our emotions and existing beliefs direct how we process new information. A person in this mindset isn't listening with an open mind; they are listening through a defensive filter.

This filter operates with two simple questions:

• When a Soldier hears something threatening, they ask: "Must I believe this?"

• When they hear something validating, they ask: "Can I believe this?"

Think about what this means at a social event. Instead of truly hearing what another person is saying, we are subconsciously scanning for threats and points of validation. We are listening to survive the interaction, asking ourselves, "Is this person worth my time?" or "Do I sound smart enough?" This makes genuine understanding impossible.

True Connection Happens Between Two "Scouts"

The solution is to shift from a Soldier to a "Scout." The Scout Mindset has a fundamentally different goal. A Scout's job is not to win, defend, or protect territory. A Scout’s only job is to see the map clearly—to understand what is actually true, even if it is uncomfortable.

Where the Soldier asks, "Must I believe this?", the Scout asks a more curious question: "Is it true?" or "What is this person actually trying to say?"

Authentic connection happens when two Scouts meet. It's the moment when two people lower their shields, admit what they don't know, and become genuinely curious about each other's map of reality instead of just trying to prove that their own map is better.

You Can't Defeat the Soldier—You Can Only Label It

You can't simply decide to turn off your inner Soldier. This defensive instinct is a deep-seated part of our biology, and fighting it with willpower alone rarely works. The first, most practical step is not to fight it, but to become aware of it.

The technique is called "Labeling." The next time you're in a conversation and feel that familiar spike of defensiveness—the urge to impress someone, correct them, or shut down—don't resist it. Simply notice the feeling as it arises.

Then, perform one simple action. Mentally say to yourself:

"That’s my Soldier."

This simple act of naming the instinct creates a tiny wedge of distance between you and the automatic reaction. In that tiny space, you create a choice. That is where the Scout lives. It’s where you can choose to lower the wall by asking, “Tell me more about why you think that,” instead of arguing.

Conclusion: From Building Walls to Building Bridges

The key to transforming social exhaustion into genuine connection lies in this internal shift: from the defensive "Soldier" who is there to perform, to the curious "Scout" who is there to explore. This isn't about becoming a different person, but about learning to recognize your own mental armor and choosing, moment by moment, to build bridges instead of walls.

The next time you walk into a room, what's one wall your inner Soldier has built that your inner Scout could choose to lower?

Recommended Reading: This series is deeply inspired by The Scout Mindset: Why Some People See Things Clearly and Others Don't by Julia Galef.

While we apply her concepts to the art of community gathering, the book itself is a masterclass in intellectual honesty and clear thinking. If you want to stop defending your ideas and start exploring reality, this book is your roadmap.

• Link to purchase

• Link to Julia Galef's website