How to Build Better Friendships: 7 Science-Backed Secrets for a More Connected Community

At The Common Bell, we know that the heart of any strong community is the quality of its friendships. It’s in these relationships that we find support, share joy, and truly feel like we belong. But sometimes, the path to deeper connection can feel awkward or uncertain.

Thankfully, we don't have to guess. The blog Barking Up The Wrong Tree recently highlighted science-backed secrets for building emotionally intelligent friendships, based on David Robson’s book, “The Laws of Connection.” These aren't just theories; they are practical tools we can all use to become better friends and, in turn, better community members.

Here are a few key takeaways and how we can apply them right here in our neighborhood.

1. Overcome "The Liking Gap"

The article highlights a common fear: "What if they don't like me?" This is so universal that researchers call it "The Liking Gap." The great news is that studies consistently show this fear is overblown. People generally like you more than you think, and research even shows that being a little nervous can make you more endearing.

• Community Takeaway: The next time you hesitate to strike up a conversation at a local event or coffee shop, remember this. Push past the initial fear and trust that others are likely just as open to connecting as you are.

2. Ask Better Questions (and Ditch the Weird Stare)

Instead of trying to impress someone with exceptional stories they can't relate to (a "novelty penalty"), the key to connection is curiosity. The best way to show it is by asking good questions. The article champions "follow-up questions" that show you're truly listening. And a quick tip: constant, unblinking eye contact isn't attentive, it's terrifying. It's okay to look away and be natural!

• Community Takeaway: When you chat with a neighbor, go beyond "How are you?" Try follow-up questions like, "That sounds interesting, what was that like?" or "How did that make you feel?" It turns a simple chat into a real conversation.

3. It's Okay to Be Vulnerable (Slowly)

We often feel the need to present a perfect version of ourselves. However, research on "the beautiful mess effect" shows that people perceive you as more honest and sincere when you share your weaknesses and fears. The key is to start slow; you want to be relatable, not overwhelming.

• Community Takeaway: You don't have to have it all together. Sharing a simple, relatable struggle—like a project that isn't going as planned or a funny mistake you made—gives others permission to be human, too. This is what builds trust and turns acquaintances into friends.

4. Create a "Shared Reality" Through Challenges

One of the most powerful ways to bond is to create a "shared reality." The article explains that this often comes from facing challenges together. It doesn't have to be a monumental task; one study found that strangers who ate spicy chili peppers together felt significantly closer than those who ate candy.

• Community Takeaway: This is a call to do things together! Join a community garden, volunteer for a local cleanup day, or even just help a neighbor with a tough project. Shared experiences, big or small, are the glue that holds friendships together.

5. Give a Specific, Sincere Compliment

We often underestimate how good a compliment makes someone feel and overestimate the potential for awkwardness. The secret to a great compliment is specificity. Don't just say, "You're great." Say, "I was so impressed with how you handled that difficult situation at the meeting; you were so calm and articulate."

• Community Takeaway: Be observant. When you see a friend or neighbor do something you admire, tell them! A specific, thoughtful compliment shows you are paying attention, and it can make someone's entire day.

By putting these simple, science-backed ideas into practice, we can move beyond surface-level interactions and build the authentic, supportive friendships that make a community feel like home.